Masculine Friendships Develop One Way, Female Friendships Other. Should We Halt Efforts to Push Men Into Women?

It is good to talk. That's what men are often told, from sources ranging from mental health advocates to the partners they live with. They remain bemused by the typical male propensity to pass an entire evening in the pub with longstanding friends, yet return with no insight about the significant events in each other's lives. What could they possibly be doing, all that while? Why haven't they inquired how X is handling his breakup, or how Y is dealing with the loss of his father?

For women, whose own friendships often center on an intimate and detailed knowledge of each other's private feelings, this style of male intimacy—built on seemingly sidestepping meaningful conversation—can appear strangely empty and sad. It's no surprise, one might think, that over a quarter of British men state having zero close friends; that male loneliness is pervasive; that many refuse to see a doctor until seriously ill; that male suicide rates consistently outstrip female ones; and that many middle-aged men, especially, appear chronically frustrated for unspoken reasons. Suppressing everything up benefits no one.

Reconsidering the Merit of Silent Companionship

However, according to anthropologist Thomas Yarrow, this perspective may undervalue the merits of the resilient and silent friendship. Professor Yarrow, based at Durham University, was studying volunteers at a heritage steam railway in the north of England when he was struck by the closeness developed among these mostly older men. His lengthy study has been distilled into a paper contending that, especially for men raised in an era of the stiff upper lip, the value of friendships centered on shared hobbies—"doing things together, often in companionable silence"—may be underrated.

This muted form of friendship "isn't bad or outdated, it's just different," Yarrow suggests.

Admittedly, this can sound disconcertingly similar to how young children interact—next to each other rather than engaging with each other. But Yarrow's point is clear: simply due to the fact that it's not your preferred version of friendship doesn't imply it lacks value. Maybe we should leave these men in peace with their trains, golf, or classic car projects—whichever activity allows them to spend time in the company of others who also value less talk.

Beyond Verbal Expression: The Unspoken Dialect of Care

Thankfully, Yarrow is clearly not claiming that showing emotion is weak, nor advocating for a return to the past. Rather, he makes the point that emotionally expressive talk is not for everyone, and that more may be happening beneath the surface of seemingly reserved friendships. Is he right?

As a female perspective, I'm clearly no expert on male-to-male dialogue. But professional observation indicates that while men may be hesitant at first to discuss personal matters, once they do, they can be astonishingly forthright. A absence of visible emotion should not be confused with a lack of feeling entirely.

Additionally, while modern men brought up in a more emotionally open culture may be better at voicing feelings, older men are not at all incapable of it. Repackage soft emotions as acceptable "political opinions" or "club allegiance," and many men will readily vent frustration, yearning, disappointment, or pride for hours.

The most striking about Yarrow's railway volunteers is that, despite their horror of discussing feelings, they still found ways to express what seems remarkably like concern and solidarity. When an elderly volunteer was absent and then returned clearly unwell, his friends noticed and were worried. But, as the professor records, they intentionally didn't probe what was wrong. Instead, they offered tea, told jokes, and tried to be discreetly supportive while maintaining routine. They were looking out for each other pretty much as female friends would, except without ever naming the elephant in the room.

The Core Question: Is Connection Require Words?

This is not the preferred way of connecting, and it may not be yours. But if the true beneficial value of friendship—what that combats loneliness and low mood—is simply knowing that another person is there enough to be present in life's challenges with you, does that invariably be put into words?

The debate persists. Maybe the most constructive approach is to recognize that different forms of friendship carry equal value, respectively satisfying the emotional needs of different individuals in unique powerful way.